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[ website | Dancing on Colette's Grave ]
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On the rocks [Jun. 30th, 2010|03:42 pm]
[mood |worriedworried]

How do I break through this wall that has seemingly sprung up?

No one is saying that you are totally responsible for everything - except you.  You have a help mate, someone wiling to shoulder things and stand by your side.

This relationship is a work in progress.  We BOTH have made mistakes.  We BOTH have hurt each other. 

I don't see what good lashing out and anger accomplish except to further build up a wall between us.  I know that is not what *I* want...I did not think it was what you wanted either.  Ultimatums don't bring us closer.  I want to build up not tear down.  I am willing to acknowledge my own actions and I would hope you would do the same.  It is through wanting to work together that we will be able to be successful in our relationship.

Once we said that we should be a shelter  from the storm for each other.  We have strayed from that.  I want to find my way back.  I want us both to....I want the shelter of your arms and your love.  I want to be what you need as well.

I have never stopped loving or caring.  Perhaps my methods of dealing have been tinged with stress, with life, with feeling overwhelmed, with the endless crap that seems to creep in....it's not what I want to 'inform' my life.  But it's hard nevertheless to escape from all that life throws at you - at us both.

It is my fervent hope, my prayer, that we will overcome these problems and move forward still committed to each other and to the love we began together.
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The Paradox of Love [Feb. 23rd, 2010|09:15 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |The silence of my heart]

(I am posting this here because I 'think' there are some of you who do not read my regular blog - and for those who consider themselves friends, I thought you should know what's been happening in my life - that ends up impacting every other relationship I have including the one with myself)....


I am at the mercy of the love I hold in my heart and soul for my children.

They are grown. They are individuals. I am proud on them on many levels. But when they, hurt I hurt. When they are sick or things are not going well in their lives, I feel helpless. I am not sure my grown kids can understand this – even the one with kids of her own probably can not understand why I worry STILL about her even though she is an adult and I don’t know how to explain that you never stop loving (or worrying/or caring) about your kids.

Currently, I am reading a novel by a man who lost his son to addiction. (I am not even sure how this ends – but from what I am slowly starting to realise from my own experience, you ‘lose’ your kids to addiction – and the loss does not always entail death). The book is: ‘Beautiful Boy’ by David Sheff. Mr. Sheff is a journalist whose work has been well received and widely published. As his son’s ‘disease’ progresses and their family begins to fall apart, the father does everything he can do to help hold his son together. His research was exhaustive.

As I read this book – it is like watching a horrific accident unfold before my eyes. I see myself, I see my son, I see his dad. I see the intricate and complex dance we perform together and apart as things happen (or don’t).

I am torn. I am in shards. I feel like a zombie and I KNOW this is impacting other parts of my life (how can it not??). There’s a sentence in the book: “Parents of addicts don’t sleep”. They don’t. I DON’T sleep. And, no matter how much advice I get, no matter how kind everyone is, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to just relax. I can’t seem to just let it go. However, soon, I know that frustration and exhaustion will eventually force my hand.

So much of this book feels like my story, like my son’s story. I mean there are things that the author’s kid states and it is verbatim the exact same phrases my son has used on me.

Then there’s the doubt of what is actually going on that whirls around in my head like someone hit the puree button on my brain: “How can this truly be a disease? (Even though it’s been classified by the medical community as a disease). How is this not a choice on the part of the person using? If it is a choice, why can’t they just stop?”

I believe there is truly a genetic disposition towards addiction. I also believe that in one form or another most of us suffer from some character defect which somehow allows us to do things we should not be doing – like having one too many glasses of wine, like buying more than we can afford, like gossiping, like eating too much….but how many of those things are actually considered deathly? I am being told through my own counseling that the denial, the dishonesty is all part of the disease. It all follows a predictable pattern that ultimately leads down the same self-destructive path. But hey aren’t we all going to die? That’s why my son basically said. My heart in my throat I say nothing. What can I say? Yes, but do you have to choose such a quick ending? Do you not see anything worth sticking around for? Can you wait at least until I am gone to do this to yourself? And on it goes...and the ‘if only’ questions are killing me. “If only I had done this differently, or that differently, or been a better mom...” and on and on. Blaming myself, tearing myself apart, even though I know full well I am not responsible for his actions or decisions.

Add to this the fact that his own dad is an ostrich and basically is enabling the entire process. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say dad’s an addict himself – although I don’t know what he’s addicted to...the denial? I can’t fight both of them, so...I have to let go – and I needed to anyway. But how do you let go of your children when they are floundering? “Parents help, it’s what they do” is another quote. Sure…we help – or we try – maybe some of us don’t. But as I said in my last meeting – where do you draw the line? It’s a moving target and I feel like I keep missing it.

And so I read (the next book on the list is ‘Addict in the Family: Stories of Loss , Hope and Recovery’ by Beverly Conyers’), I research, I look for answers, I cry, I hurt, I don’t sleep, I eat too much. Lately, I’ve gotten back into trying to work out and next month I am going to try to teach Yoga again. All the while, I keep praying and asking God to grant me serenity, courage, and acceptance. Maybe someday, it will all fall into place...maybe not.
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*sighs* [Jul. 24th, 2009|08:55 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[mood |crushedcrushed]

This 'forum' was updated 48 weeks ago....yeah I care, can you tell.

I am thoroughly disgusted with everyone and everything at this point - I don't even know where to begin.

My son's life is a mess - thanks to the stellar parenting job of his father - my ex - who does not seem to care that his son is apparently using drugs, is depressed and just can't get his life together.  But *I'M* over-reacting....yeah right.

Not being able to finish things is appropros of what, exactly? 

It's the story of my life and may relationships.

My heart has never felt heavier.  I have never been more hurt and insulted as I am right now.  Or angry for that matter.  I want to scream but I am afraid to as I may never stop.  I feel as fragile as butterfly wings - and butterflys, so I am told, only live for two weeks - to me as it stands right now - that sounds like heaven.


Signing off.
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Burning bridges... [Aug. 15th, 2008|11:42 am]
[Tags|, ]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]

 This one is very painful for me to write....

Recently, I decided to get back into teaching.  I still had a 'bad taste' in my mouth from all the politics of teaching for the Cleveland Clinic - but that was going away and I was anxious to teach again.

So I went to a local 'new' studio to offer my services.  I interviewed with the owner and it went pretty well - she was an ex healthcare worker and understood the politics and frustrations as well.

She was losing two teachers at once and there seemed to be plenty of slots.  So anyway we agreed to have me 'try out' to teach.  

During my interview I told her my preference would be to teach on a week night.  She also wanted me to teach her pre-natal class and while I have taught pregnant women it is not my forte - I told her this because I wanted to be as honest as possible.

Due to a misunderstanding the first time I was suppose to teach, a Thursday night - we got our signals crossed and i showed up a week early.  When it was my turn again to teach, the lady who runs the studio said another teacher wanted to teach that particular night.  The following Thursday I taught the class and when I met with the owner she did not say a word about me NOT teaching the Thursday night class - nor did she give me a schedule.  I also taught my first pre-natal class which because I did not know the students didn't go as well as I would have liked.

Well last night, I showed up to teach the Thursday night class.  There was  another teacher there to teach and we discussed together about the confusion, the other teacher went to ask the owner.  I could hear their voices but had no idea of what was discussed.  The teacher came back to the room and informed me she would be teaching 'tonight'.  She gave a great class and kicked my butt (but I overdid it)....

Today I come in, open my e-mail and there is a very snotty/snippy letter from the owner basically asking me where I got off 'assuming' I'd be teaching the Thursday night class.  I was really taken aback by the tone of her e-mail considering IT'S UM YOGA.....

Anyhow I thought about it - found myself getting angry and wrote her a very calm letter, accepting responsibility for my own confusion, for assuming, but also calling her on the carpet for her own lack of communication, and, her not providing me a clear 'schedule' to work with.  I told her for karmic reasons, I felt it would be better not to teach for her.  I did not wish  to teach with hard feelings between us.  She agreed and *poof* I''m no longer teaching....

I want to mention as well that in dealing now with a couple of the teachers, their style is somewhat questionable and I find them to be a bit amateurish only because I feel they do not pay close enough attention to what may be a potential physical risk to students (i.e. - they teachin a way that is definitely going to cause an injury IMO). I am not saying this to air sour grapes- it's what I see as a fact....I have studied for a very long time now and taught over 500 students myself.

I am upset, hurt, and frustrated.  I am blaming myself for my own attitude but again left feeling like maybe I should just chuck the entire idea of teaching altogether because I truly don't want any bad karma or wrong-doing attached to my teaching and study...

I don't know what to do.  I don't want to teach for a control freak  - or with someone who has no idea how to communicate.  Yet I want to be able to teach....

Anyhow I needed to get this off of my chest...I am not sure it's going to help - but I am putting it out into the universe nonetheless.

Namaste to you all,
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Weapons of Mass Confusion... [Aug. 15th, 2008|09:04 am]
[Tags|, ]
[mood |angryangry]

 Ya know....

Part of the problem here is that I can't cross-post between my blog and here - that would rock!


Lately, I have been surrounded by a lot of confusion and miscommunication.  As well as just plain irritation in the form of people not living up to their end of the bargain on the service end of work I have had done.  

I got my nails done for my wedding - a manicure.  Turns out the tech that did the manicure was a bit hard of my nail beds and now my nails - which were actually pretty healthy before the wedding.  So now they have white lines and spots all over them and they are weak like I wore fake nails.

I did not notice this until I came back from my honeymoon - I mulled it over and about 2 weeks after that give or take, I decided to contact the salon and explain what happened.  The owner asked me to come see her - she sounded like a frantic poodle on the phone....

So a week later I went on a Saturday to show her the damage.  She looked at my nails and asked me all kinds of questions - like what products I was using (I was using their line of products), and whether I had any allergies (fair question but I have never had any allergies to nail polish etc).  She brought over a nail tech who took one look at my nails and informed me it was damage from 'fake nails' (*loud buzzer*) WRONG! When I said this they brought over yet ANOTHER tech to look at my nails and she asked me the same questions.  I felt like I was in a bad scene from 'Hogan's Heroes' trying to explain to the Nazi salon bimbos that I knew what I was talking about because well these were um - MY FUCKING HANDS and I have lived with my nails all my life, furthermore, I know my own body.

I left feeling put out because instead of the typical 'wow we fucked up (if only because YOU the customer who pay us thinks so) and hey we don't want to lose your business - here let's make it better)....but NO, I was informed that the owner of this salon (you know the person who gets to make all the decisions), had to talk to the tech who did the damage...um...OK.

2 weeks went by, not a word.  I called three days in a row....finally the 4th day I got the owner.  She said to me that she was not sure how to handle this problem other than by offering me a gift certificate....she was very upset and even sounded like *I* was putting her out by having to do this (meanwhile let me remind you my nails are now completely messed up and will be for months - they actually hurt because they keep peeling and breaking off).  The owner informed me that she wished I would have come in 'right away'.  Um WHAT THE FUCK?  FIrst of all can you say honeymoon?  Secondly while indeed one needs to complain in a timely manner how the fuck does that repair the damage your idiot tech did to my nails?????  I was so pissed off by this exchange that I wrote her a long, and rather nasty letter....

Last night in the mail I got a coupon for $25 buck - now mind you all told just for the manicures alone, I spend over $60, not to mention the hundreds I spent on my hair, my step-daughter etc for my wedding - I think it was close to like $300.00.  This is bullshit....and I am really upset....

So since THIS post is running kind of long - I will post yet another about my Yoga experience because karmically I think I just burned a bridge  but I don't really care at this point and that's not a good thing... 

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Stolen Memes [Jan. 31st, 2008|09:47 pm]
[Current Location |Home - wow did I just type that]
[mood |coldcold]
[music |Quiet - kids finally down for the night]

(I stole this from Bella - I hope she does not mind - perhaps if I am lucky, she will spank me soundly *winks*)

1. Are you currently in a serious relationship? The most serious one (and best) of my life
2. What was your dream growing up? (LOL) To be a prosecuting attorney - so I could put scum to death - and now irony of irony I don't believe in the death penalty anymore
3. What talent do you wish you had? To play an instrument and be an artiste, and a great writer
4. If I bought you a drink what would it be? Cosmo baby
5. Favorite vegetable? Is lobster a veggie - sorry, asparagus - closely tied with artichokes
6. What was the last book you read?  I usually have 3-4 books oging at once... 'Under the banner of heaven'
7. What zodiac sign are you? Pisces
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. - I am boring - just pierced ears
9. Worst Habit? I bite my nails sometimes
10. If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? No - no offense
11. What is your favorite sport? Frisbee (stop laughing)
12. Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude? A little of both - mainly I try to have hope
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? with Bella - it depends - with Erin - well I'd like ot - but not sure if he would go for it
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you? Watching my mom die when I was 15 - suddenly from a heart attack
15. Tell me one weird fact about you. I was a carny
16. Do you have any pets? yes 3 cats - 2 too many
17. What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? I'd treat you as a welcome guest
18. What was your first impression of me? Sexy and forthright
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? scary - they should be exterminated
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Everything - I'd want to be prettier
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? hmmmm - probably partner - your conscience is up to you
22. What color eyes do you have? Hazel/Green
23. Ever been arrested? yes
24. Bottle or can soda? bottle - coke
25. If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? pay for my wedding and honeymoon
26. What's your favorite place to hang at? home with Erin
27. Do you believe in ghosts? yes
28. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Yoga
29. Do you swear a lot? too much I fear
30. Biggest pet peeve? Incompetent/idiotic people
31. In one word, how would you describe yourself? mecurial
32. Do you believe/appreciate romance? Absolutely
33. Do you believe in God? See #32
34. Which is better? Winter or Summer Olympics? um...I like winter sports best to watch - but love gymnastics
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Pardon my language [Dec. 13th, 2007|03:59 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Erin's]
[mood |scaredscared]
[music |10,000 Maniacs: Trouble Me]

...but Jesus Fucking Christ.....

What the hell is the matter with me?

I can't think straight, I can't shoot straight (yeah don't go there), I can't sleep, don't feel like eating and when I do it's all wrong, I am waking up every night and I can't breathe...

I am not being myself.  I have no patience, no compassion.  I am being a bitch and I don't like me very much right now....

Every time I turn around, yet another things is wrong.

Goddess help me.  And please forgive me...
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Music [Oct. 24th, 2007|09:23 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |you know where....]
[mood |okayokay]
[music |The Waterboys: Whole of the Moon]

It is not often I make radio-listening suggestions.


However one morning on my way into work while I was scanning the dial (my CD player is broken in my car *pouts*) – I found a station up in Detroit, MI call ‘The River’ on the FM dial (for me) at 93.9 – they play adult alternative – cool stuff I have not heard in years.  I am talking ‘the good stuff’ -  not just ‘pop favourites’ (an example (the Waterboys: ‘Whole of the Moon’ – who the hell plays The Waterboys unless its college radio??)


So it turns out that there is another radio station I found on-line (live streaming) called the River – also at 93.9 but up in Massachusetts.  Both stations are incredible – the one is Massachussets is better only because they play such a variety of music – form Bob Dylan to Sarah McLachlan, to instrumentals, to punk….I mean it’s all there….all you have to do is listen.


Yeah…nice….why can’t Cleveland have radio like this?

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Neglect - Redux [Jul. 10th, 2007|08:33 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Tied to my chair]
[mood |pensivepensive]
[music |Quiet]

Yes kids…


I have not posted in a while – mainly because this is not my main ‘squeeze’ blog – there’s simply more that I am able to do on/with blogger – than here…and, since I refuse to ‘pay’ to be some sort of Live Journal artiste there you have it….


Life marches on….


I’ve had a period here where I’ve been extremely fed up – especially with work – with various relationships in my life – with life in general….but then there’s also been exhilaration.


I’ve written a lot about my love and I think he thinks at times perhaps it’s like a dog and pony show – kind of akin to ‘look at what *I* have’ – but that’s not the case at all – and unlike others who seem to feel the need to document their every single thought about their lover because they are trying desperately to hold onto (or project) a certain image, or they are just ‘trying to hard’ this is indeed not the case with me.


If there are problems then I address them – I am not wearing rose-coloured lenses and I am no ostrich.  I might not make it public out of respect for our privacy (plus I am not into all the high-school shenanigans I see on so many of these journals), but it’s there all the same….


I think the reason why I write about this relationship the way I do is because I have never had this intense of a relationship that at the same time was healthy – it’s an anomaly. 


Perhaps I am documenting this so I don’t forget – so that years from now…no matter what happens, I will have these writings to remind me of how wonderful this all was for me…I can’t/won’t speak for him….


All I know is that I never thought my heart could love like this – especially after having been ripped out, stomped upon and spoon-fed back to me in little bits and pieces – I thank God/dess every day for this blessing…and, even if it fails – I will still be grateful to have had this love in my life.

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The 'Marketeers'.... [May. 17th, 2007|12:01 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Chained to a desk]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[music |The Doors: Riders on the Storm]

(Cross posted from blog)

(Yeah they’re kind of like Mouseketeers - only way more evil…)


Yesterday, I had an ‘opportunity’ in conjunction with the doctor from Integrative Medicine to give a demo to our marketing department.


As an aside I don’t want to hear any crap about what I am about to say here – I used to be in marketing.


To say that these people have ever been on the ball or even useful would be the understatement of the century – we have received virtually NO help from them


Before my demo – the doctor I work with gave a talk – they kept interrupting her – which was fine she welcomes questions – but I did not get the feeling they really grasped what she was discussing.  Some of them had some great questions though.  One woman in particular was really annoying – not only did she interrupt to discuss her own PERSONAL experience with Acupuncture – she started spouting off about Acupuncture as if she was an expert on the subject.  Now I personally do not have a problem with people discussing their experiences but don’t act like an expert unless you are one.  She was saying that acupuncture is one of the oldest forms of medicine some 3,000 yrs old – and this may well be true – but again this was not even the gist of the talk.  She was a good mouthpiece in regard to being a ‘cheerleader’ for the cause.


So I got up to do my demo – I gave my history, my credentials and then began talking about Yoga and the first thing I said was Yoga is 5,000 years old (which it is) – Yoga is also associated with an ancient system of medicine known as Ayurvedic (Medicine) – Yoga is one aspect of this practice.  I talked about the current class offerings and then I led the ‘Marketeers’ in a Yoga demo – it was well received and I was given a round of applause.


I am hoping that this meeting is helpful in getting more clients/patients and in breaking down the barriers to using Alternative Medicine as a valid method of healing.

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