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[ website | Dancing on Colette's Grave ]
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Another entry... [May. 2nd, 2007|02:27 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |The Past]
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |Ani DeFranco: Little Plastic Castle]

(...from my blog - but this one was lamenting about the sorrow state of my dating life - obviously written pre-Erin)


What is Love?"

(LOL – great now I have the song going through my head - was it the movie ‘A Night at the Roxbury’ that breathed new life into that one?)

It’s amazing to me all the convolutions/evolutions/permutations we go through as humans when it comes to this (I’ll call it a virus; because to me that’s what it seems like).


What would we do without it? Part of me thinks we may be a lot happier – part of me knows truthfully we would die without love in our lives – in some form.

What of love?

I remember reading the little tart’s writing where she wrote something like ‘They don’t let you love enough here’

WTF does that mean? Does it mean that one should be allowed to love without discrimination, hurting anyone that gets in the path of their supposed love. And how can it be called love if it harms others involved. Is it that their love because it’s so lustful, so hot, so flavour du jour, is the ONLY love that matters? What of love and loyalty to family; to someone that you took vows with? Does that love not compare somehow – is it diminished because the hubby can’t get it up for his wife any longer?

I used to think it was OK to love more than one person at a time – I still think it’s OK – heck I think it’s natural – but oh the heartache we set ourselves up for by doing that.
I’ve talked to people about this and tried reasoning it out somehow in my head and I’ve come to believe there is no reasoning with the heart – the heart wants what the heart wants, the hell with the head. We set ourselves up for this you know...

Like Mr. Hess remarked we should have ‘renewable/negotiable contracts’ between each other so that parties can enter arbitration yearly instead of being stuck in a loveless/sexless marriage (or is that just the latest pick up line guys are using these days?) ; I’ll get an e-mail msg ‘Hi C – would love to meet you – I am ‘stuck’ in a loveless/sexless marriage and my wife and I have a ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ agreement – I’d LOVE to meet you’ or ‘My wife just doesn’t understand me’

Yeah ok buddy, I’ve got news for you – she doesn’t want to understand you – is that your excuse for cheating?

Is it any wonder I feel the way I do about this shit. I feel like I was born at the wrong time, that I am too romantic, old-fashioned, stuck in some mind set that won’t allow me to somehow let go.

Margaret Cho remarked in one of her live acts that she wanted a ‘Henna husband’.
I do too. Wouldn’t it be nice to just ‘wash that many right out of your hair’ when things get bad? But then what happens when they get under your skin? What happens when no matter what you do – they won’t go away – they haunt you – and does that really ever happen anymore? Do *I* have the ability to get under a man’s skin anymore? I kind of doubt it – and is that the ONLY thing I will be satisfied with – cause I want it all –otherwise why bother, I’ll just end up bored out of my skull...


They’re all so blatantly pedestrian and boring...no fire, no substance, no edginess, no willingness to just let it fly, it’s all about the ‘comfort zone’ or pretending to be anything but – yet in reality when faced with the danger, the possibility, the fear takes over and off they run screaming for their mothers, it’s absurd and ridiculous and I am tired of all of it completely.

They are threatened by my stances, by my anger, by my unwillingness to be anything other than what I am, they don’t hear me when I talk (or rant) – they think I am nagging, negative, complaining, bitchy or bitter – ah I see but when it’s a man it’s turned around somehow, and suddenly instead it’s viewed that they are aggressive (but in a good way), capable, able to get the job done, no nonsense etc. They want someone safe, not challenging, not intellectual, not confrontational, or aggressive (as a woman that is - cause that’s somehow that's a bad trait in the ‘weaker sex’), and certainly not someone who is going to ‘fight back’ – and perhaps I can’t really blame them – but, what’s absolutely hysterical to me is yet they don’t want it boring either….BE CREATIVE – but only in the confines of the bedroom….

Passion to me is something I wear on my sleeve – it’s here for the entire world to see a la this medium – my home here on the internet – it is here I come to whisper my secrets, my fears, where I rant and rave at society, the world in general…it’s where I expose myself, become self-deprecating, morose, bitter, sarcastic, sad, self-recriminating, it’s where I take a good look at myself and try to figure things out. It’s ME I am ME – how about that – strange having someone truly be themselves without apology isn’t it? It’s not meant to be fodder for anyone else – yet the entire world is fodder for me to write about...unfair huh? Too bad.

I have loves in my life. A lot of them are still ‘around’ they are wrong for me – I for them – some are actually a detriment to my health. Some are unrequited – I will never be with them because either I have some weird moral code or they are in love elsewhere. *laughs* it’s like the J. Geils band song ‘Love Stinks’ : “You love her, but she loves him And he loves somebody else, you just can't ever win…”

We drive ourselves crazy over something that began as a biological imperative and has now turned us into horny, lustful, dissatisfied, bored, complacent, irresponsible dullards. I don’t want to go back to the ‘way things were’– mainly cause I’ve no reason to bear children anymore – I LIKE ROMANCE, but I will say this for being ‘scientific’ and unflinchingly brutal about it – at least it was more honest and at least our feelings didn’t get so hurt.

In tribes it was (and for all I know still is) – acceptable for the chief to have his pick of women and for him to father many children with different women because the blood-lines, the best of the genetic make up were passed on and, since he was the ‘leader’ supposedly the bravest, the best/the crème de la crème, well that was all for the betterment of society. It somehow became not the thing to do and suddenly we sprouted 'morals' and needed a ‘God’ and thus became civilised - but really after all this time – and all I see on the Internet, on TV, in the movies - have we?

Affairs of the heart have gone on for time immemorial – they always will. Kings have gone to war, abdicated their thrones all for the love of a woman; possibly a woman that was forbidden. Is that really romance, or is that the folly of a fool? Empires crumbled, art was created, books, music all manner of tributes paid in the name of love – so what is it that keeps us going back for more after we feel like our heart has been torn to shreds and we are numb inside. Is it fear of loneliness? Is it because we figure we’ll finally ‘get it right’ this time?

Beats the hell out me – this is more a rambling, probably incoherent attempt at some half-assed introspection. I’ve said time and time again I’d like someone in my life – but maybe I’d just be better off getting a dog – cause I am just not up for, nor do I have the energy for, the games or the stomach or gumption to take on all that risk anymore….part of me is simply beginning to feel it just isn’t worth it at all. Romance was probably just a figment of my tattered imagination – something – perhaps an ad campaign, crafted long ago by a genius to keep all of us distracted…and like the faerie tale it is *poof* after a while it disappears like so many childhood memories, never to be recaptured.
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On Writing [May. 2nd, 2007|02:24 pm]
[Current Location |Hanging with the muse]
[mood |creative]
[music |Anonymous 4: Love's Illusion]

(This was re-posted to my blog today - just to share)


“My dear,

That is precisely WHERE the beauty comes from - in being able to disseminate the ordinary, day-to-day bullshit; to write about it and shed light on it, and draw others into the actual simplicity, and mundaneness - and yet show just how important and beautiful those simple tasks can be - someone counts on us to do them...and, by writing about it (in all it's tediousness), Ms. Sarton HAS managed to get around to doing the IMPORTANT thing.

Our daily lives, our loves act as the colours we use to paint the canvas that is our history. Crafting words about your life, your vision, is your gift, your talent.

Even if you were to go and dig ditches, your gift of being a great writer would still be there - under all the dust.”

This is a comment I left on a friend’s blog. He is a great writer. He is a great person.

I was commenting/responding to something beautiful written by May Sarton (another great writer). What Ms. Sarton wrote struck a chord with me too…

“There were moments … when it seemed that all one could be asked was just to keep the ashtrays clean, the bed made, the wastebaskets emptied, as if one never got to the real things because of the constant exhausting battle to keep ordinary life from falling apart”

I remember when I decided to write (years ago) – I don’t know what drove me to want to do it – perhaps the ‘stories’ built up in me over the years and wanting to somehow let them out, like steam escaping from a kettle too long on the stove…

I asked a very accomplished friend about writing (she was a great person, an actress, a ballet dancer, a writer, a mother late in life (her early 40s)...her advice about writing was simple.

“One writes, by applying one’s ass to the seat of one’s chair and writing…” I’ve carried those words with me ever since – not knowing quite what to make of that advice. Until I began this blog...

So it’s become for me in a lot of ways a path down a road less traveled – a life less ordinary (not to steal book names here), something of quiet introspection to try to find a pattern so I can break some of the endless cycles I find myself participating in. Yes in some ways I’ve lived a ‘wild life’ – but I am not always sure if that makes it worth writing about – *laughs* - or worth reading for that matter.

What makes something worth writing about? What makes a writer worth reading? Like beauty – is it all in the eyes of the beholder? Does my writing make you want to read more – or make you feel like I should put down my pen and go dig ditches (*laugh*)

The times when I face this blank page and begin to set the words upon it – like painting a canvas, the paper awash in the colours that comprise my story/my life – almost like my life blood spilling out.

I used to hear stories about writers block. People who would face the blank page with terror and not joy. Most of the time I was hearing this from my ex – he seems to have felt his ‘sickness’ robbed him of his ability to write (while simultaneously complaining that the meds made him feel numb and unable to reach the place where his creativity lived) – I can answer to neither statement. Fortunately, not being afflicted in such a way.

I know that when I write – a lot of times it is a way for me to keep things in perspective, to go deep inside and try to somehow decipher all those feelings – the inner workings of my psyche. I don’t feel terror – I don’t always do it in joy.

I write because I HAVE TO WRITE. I hear that from a lot of writers too….

Sometimes I think the stuff I write is ‘dreck’ oozing from my pain and hurt like so much pus. It’s not worth reading. Yet somehow I have a bit of an audience. But that’s not why I keep writing. It’s something I know – it’s a part of me – I can no more rid myself of my inner voice than I can the body I am currently inhabiting – that is without ending my life. I don’t know if I will always be this way. I don’t know if this is a gift or an ‘affliction’ – it’s something I know in my heart ad in my soul.

It’s like the way I know the person I need to be with is going to be like me in such a way that I won’t have to explain WHO I am or WHAT I am talking about. The same way I know deep down I have a mystical/spiritual/magical side that is part of the person I am – undeniably part and parcel of ME. It illuminates and pierces the darkness, allowing me to find that small part of joy within the deepest depths of my sorrows. That which cannot by science or medicine be proven but is there all the same – like my breath – something that is a constant whisper in the back of my mind, yet part of a greater consciousness.
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The sun, moon, and stars [Apr. 20th, 2007|02:49 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |My heart]
[mood |happyhappy]
[music |Sophie Hawkins: 'I want you']

I have nothing...

I have no father to give me away (nor to give permission for my hand in marriage for that matter)...

What do I bring to this marriage?  I feel like a skewed version of Shakespeare’s ‘The Taming of the Shrew’ ('Kiss me Kate’) only I don’t have the proper dowry to present to my future lord and master...

I want to give you, my love, the moon and the stars – were they mine to give…..but what I have to offer is *MY* love, my ability to be a good wife/helper/ partner;  My willingness to contribute to the finances, to the work around the house, to helping with the children.  Yes this is all so very unromantic – but so very necessary...

We have no ‘song’ that’s ours.  Songs will come on the radio that will make me think of him – of our love – but there is no ‘our song’...this does not worry me per se...

Perhaps the reason is because both of us love ‘world music’, new age music, alternative music, goth/dark-wave music….perhaps that does not lend itself to the type of ‘old standards’ our parents fell in love to.

I want to give you  the gift of birdsong, of crickets singing in the grass, of wolves howling to the moon…all the sounds of harmony...the music of the spheres...the planets’ majestic symphony...

I come to you - not adorned in rubies, emeralds, and sapphires but clothed in the raiment of my heart, mind and soul.

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Questions... [Apr. 17th, 2007|02:14 pm]
[Current Location |Chained to a desk]
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[music |Alanis Morissett: 'You oughta know']

That have been plaguing me lately…


When is a friend a friend?


When is it time to ‘dump’ a friend?


If you sense a so-called friend has an agenda and it is causing you duress/harm – do you confront them?  If you do confront them and they refuse to do anything about or acknowledge their behaviour, do you cut your ties to them?  Is the trust/friendship forever damaged when something like this happens?


What if it’s not *your* friend but your loved-one’s/S.O.’s friend and they are causing you problems – what is the responsibility of your loved one – where should their loyalties lie?


What if they say they are sorry but not only is the apology not sincere, you know due to past behaviour that the likelihood of them changing is pretty low?


Do you have the right to tell them off if they have offended you/caused you grief/tried to drive a wedge in your relationship with your loved one, and how is that suppose to make your loved one (their original friend) feel?


What if you are sick and tired of all the drama and simply don’t want to deal with it?  Do you have a right to ask that this person not be a part of your lives?


If nothing gets done, if it’s just left as is – what if you begin to get resentful – what if your loved one gets resentful – how do you handle those feelings? 



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Cross posted [Apr. 10th, 2007|05:17 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |bitchybitchy]
[music |Peter Gabriel: 'Us']

(Yeah...it's been a while - this is cross posted from the blog)

A bonding moment...

I have been really enjoying my new co-worker – she is young – younger than my daughter.

We are having a blast together and I am bummed out because I want the powers that be to hire her…..but of course they probably won’t – yeah so what else is new….

At any rate we began discussing our childhoods, mainly the TV shows we watched and the toys we played with. She mentioned mainly things that I refer to as ‘nostalgia toys’ – cause apparently certain generations of parents wanted their kids to play with the same toys they played with as kids: Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Bright, My Little Pony, Care Bears…

I (of course), gave her crap about this – we were both giggling like school girls.

Then we moved onto that doll of every little girl dreams: Barbie
She agreed with me that Barbie was/is evil and we both admitted we hated Barbie – it was a bonding moment.

This girl brings out the silly in me so I began musing about why we don’t see less-perfect ‘model-like’ Barbie dolls – some examples I cam up with:

‘Cleft Palate Barbie’
‘Hunch-Back Barbie’
‘Quadriplegic Barbie’
‘4-eyes Barbie’
‘Bad-Hair-Day Barbie’
‘Bag-Lady Barbie’
‘Hooker Barbie’ (but if you ask me she’s already kind of slutty looking)

I am sure you all can come up with your own – the hell with all these celebrity Barbie(s), let’s get down to the nitty gritty ‘real-life’ type of dolls every kid needs for that sort of wake up call/slap-in-the-face feel to their toys – boys have war toys – why not give girls equally as depressing models to play with?

*evil grin*
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A dangerous woman [Mar. 22nd, 2007|01:44 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Chained to a desk]
[mood |pensivepensive]
[music |Godspell]

(Cross posted to the blog)


I went with C2 to dinner last night.


Thanks C – I love you.


We always have scintillating conversations.


She makes me think – very few people actually hold that distinction for me.


It seems that since I have been seeing Erin I have been going to church more – this is a true statement.  It seems that it would appear to be a bit hypocritical of me to be going to a church whose doctrine I don’t agree with – that may or may not be a true statement – you are all welcome to your own opinions – I am going to offer up mine – not that they matter – even though it involves me….


I have always been spiritual.  I have always been drawn to ritual.  ALWAYS.  For most of my childhood, until I was a pre-teen I attended church every single day.  Did I agree with everything the church did – pardon my language HELL NO!  I felt in many ways the church was hypocritical – did it diminish my yearning to practice my faith um NO.


I left the church after my mother passed away – for many reasons – but not MAINLY because of my issues with certain stances by the Church.  I left because at the time I needed to explore other venues of faith.


I came back to the church over time – a little here, a little there – I left again this time in anger over how things were handled by the parish priest at my father’s death – he refused to hold a mass for my dad cause my dad was and wanted to be cremated.  I actually asked the priest what he would do if St. Joan of Arc’s ashes showed up in his church, would he hold mass then?  The priest was not amused, I was furious – he was an asshole and I hope he rots – not a very Christian sentiment – I don’t care….


I did over the years go back to church – yes, mainly I was a Christmas Catholic – every year my siblings and I would go to mass on Christmas eve.  I also went as far as to JOIN our local parish – but we never followed though, we never went to mass.  However, I never stopped wanting to practice my faith.


I would have discussions with various friends over the years about my falling away from the church – about being torn over my convictions vs the Church’s refusal to grow and change.  I still feel this way.


I believe in God – I am very sure about that.  I have no doubt there is a God – of course I also believe in the Goddess – but mainly I don’t think God/dess has a gender – I don’t think God is bound by the words or deeds of man.


There are of course things I do not agree with when it comes to the doctrine of the Catholic Church – some of them are obvious – I believe women have right make decisions concerning their bodies concerning their reproductive rights.  I believe gays should be allowed to practice their faith without being told they are going to hell.  Some of them involve more  administrative concerns (if you will) – women should be allowed to be priests/priestesses, priests should be allowed to be married….


I don’t want to be perceived as a hypocrite.  I want people to know that I’d like to help affect change within the church (don’t forget in some ways I am still a hippie chick who remembers protesting the Vietnamese war) – and keep in mind I have always been outspoken and I would go to a priest and tell him exactly what I think – I have in the past – it’s how I got kicked out of Catholic school to begin with and let me tell you that you have to go some to get kicked out of a Catholic school – mainly cause they want your money – and yes that is another beef I have with the Church.


When I went to Erin’s church I was skeptical – my experiences in the past are what drove me away.  I felt welcomed. I felt warmth. I felt the congregation walked the walked and that matters to me.  It’s a good church, it’s a progressive church and it’s a welcoming congregation.  I feel at home there.


The have things like bible study, and volunteering opportunities galore, they have a gay/lesbian group.  They have a lot to offer.  Are they hypocrites in the congregation – you bet your ass there are – find me a church without one.


The truth is that Jesus was a radical/a revolutionary.  Jesus bucked the system.  Jesus was dangerous, Jesus didn’t keep his mouth shut.  Well guess what – neither do I – I never have (even when I should), I never will.  *I AM* a dangerous woman.  And I plan on being that way for the rest of my life.  And just because I practice my faith – does not mean I am necessarily agreeing with all the doctrine of said faith – after all doctrine is created by man and therefore fallible.  Nor does it mean I am brainwashed and not going to stand by my convictions.


So there you have it…again think what you will/want – and I hope you do.  But as long as I feel that this church is helping me and is nurturing my soul and my aspirations to make a difference on this planet – I am going to keep attending.  And maybe I will even break some man-made ‘rules along the way.



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Bitch session... [Mar. 21st, 2007|03:30 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Chained to a desk]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |Sugar Ray]


…at myself mainly.


WTF is the matter with me?


I am losing my mind.


I am lost and frustrated…I want to lash out…maybe it’s something in the water – I know a lot of you out there are feeling this way lately – is it the alignment of the planets? WTF?


Things with work are what’s the worst right now….it’s nuts, I work with idiots who haven’t a clue and it’s really wearing me down.


Part of me so wants to just chuck this all and do Yoga full time but I can’t afford to do that.


Other things in my life are out of synch too.  Relationships notably -  I just don’t feel like myself.  I keep feeling like I am being sucked into some weird low energy vortex and I am dying for some fresh air, sunshine, a walk in the woods, a long Yoga session, an even longer work out session. 


Maybe it’s a function of cabin fever.  Perhaps it feeling like things are closing in. 


Part of me is struggling trying to find that precarious balance and I feel like I am walking on a tightrope….and that I am going to fall – no safety net.


I don’t want to bring the whole circus top down on top of me…but something’s gotta give real soon here..

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Things bothering me…. [Mar. 7th, 2007|09:33 am]
[Current Location |My head]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Ashley MacIsaac]

Another ‘kind’ of laundry list….


Missing the ‘little things’ like being written to, for/about – it seems ‘petty’ but still I miss it – and I am not trying to ‘whine’ about it – it is what it is and it feels like a loss…


Will this relationship/marriage work and last?


Will I be a good step-mom?


Work.  A LOT. Ugh! Seriously driving me nuts.


Yoga – how can I maintain a balance and keep my job which I need to keep….when in reality I’d like nothing more than to do the ‘Yoga thing’ full time.


Impending eye surgery


Finances (how the hell am I going to pay for a wedding?) – as well as other financial stuff (and oh how I hate financial stuff).


My future (in general – so much I want to do – so little time it seems to do ‘it’ in).





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For Erin [Feb. 14th, 2007|03:45 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Chained to a desk *smirks* while thinking of being tied up]
[mood |lovedloved]
[music |Roberta Flack: 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face']

(Just some lyrics...cross-posted from blog)

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth turn in my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love
That was there at my command

The first time ever I lay with you
And felt your heart beat close to mine
I thought our joy would fill the earth
And would last till the end of time my love
And would last till the end of time

The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face, your face

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Spirits Dance [Feb. 5th, 2007|10:08 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Dreamworld]
[mood |creative]
[music |Fleetwood Mac - Rhiannon]

I walk through the landscape in my mind…it becomes a stroll down memory lane…


…always he is there…waiting for me, beckoning….


And we connect yet again….never missing a step…as if we had never been apart…and where we meet, our spirits intersect…there is beauty, there is joy, there is some melancholy as well…


I realise that he never left…that we have always shared…that we always will….that we will meet again in the next lifetime..and, remember again…lifetime after lifetime.


There is no hiding from this, there never was…we just drifted like snows, like sands shifting in the desert…yet, like the snow melting that returns to the earth, like the sands that shift but remain part of the whole terrain forever – we never really leave each other…we remain tied to one another…through life, through other lovers, through lifetimes past, present and future…





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